Saturday Night, Home and Family

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels

I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through

Looking into their eyes I see them running too

Jackson Brown

Its Saturday Night, been a big week,all peeps asleep, been a big day of important sand castles, cartoons and Super Mario.The week , well opportunities to learn with kindred spirits, inspired by others turning from Shame to Grace, and a bright flame extinguished, way to soon .

No text books right now, just YouTube trawling great songs of my youth. I have loved so many great bands. I gave up early worrying about what others thought about what I liked. If it moved me , I couldn't help it. That was a big thing to , the not worrying, it rarely happened in any other area of my life.I loved everything from The C;ash To Kiss. To many in between to mention here. I found this song tonight. Always loved the bridge, the last two lines of it. The fear, if you look , you can see, but keep breathing, loving, living, praying like its up to God, and working like its up to you.

Today I was walking with my son Maverick, he was holding my hand, walking and talking. My heart could have exploded . He is so beautiful. He is from me, in me now always.He has come through me from a universe I am humble to admit I know so little about. What a gift, I cant think of a greater gift, a child's love.

I am glad for recovery. It tells me I am not perfect, that it is human to need support, love, care, all the way through, daily. I rang a good friend through the week, a father himself, asking him fathering questions. He is an initiated man in recovery. He was loving, straight, clear and honest with me. I am grateful to know that no matter how long you are on this planet, it is ok to reach out.

So , Tonight, I sit home, grateful for the rest , grateful for this home, grateful for the recovery that is the foundation of my life, grateful for all that have answered the phone to me, that have had cups of tea after meetings, gone for those long walks, weekend retreats, spent days at conventions, nights after the meetings, hanging to the wee hours, well tonight, I thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnnL8wEDNJM

Trudging the Road to your Happy Destiny. PTSD and CPTSD Grand Round for South Pacific Private.

"Our bodies don't run from danger because we're afraid - rather, we're afraid because our bodies run."

- William James 1884.

Today's Grand Round went really well. There was a great group of professionals and good presence in the room. I was to present with our Medical Superintendent, Dr Ben Teoh. Ben has many years experience working with Complex Trauma and PTSD from shock Trauma, and gave the opening presentation.
Dr Teoh covered comprehensively the DSM IV & V definitions of Trauma and highlighted their deficiency when dealing with clients symptoms who present with Complex Trauma issues as a result of Childhood Trauma.  He presented statistics from the Adverse Childhood experience study, and linked it to Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk's proposed Developmental Trauma Disorder diagnostic criteria, making the point that Developmental Trauma is still very prevalent in families today.

 I had the pleasure to then link SPP's treatment model , and how we have been incorporating the Body Focused Treatment modalities  of Pat Ogden, Peter Levine, Bessel Van Der Kolk, Dr Allan Schore and Dr Stephen Porges and how they have been very complimentary to Pia Mellody model of developmental immaturity that we have been working form at South Pacific Private.

For many years we have addressed the two recoveries that are suggested by Pia Mellody at the Meadows Arizona at SPP. Firstly, the recovery from our Secondary Symptoms , especially the Addiction Issues, Mental Health Issues and Physical illness. The the second recovery is from our history. The Developmental Trauma that has left a lasting affect predisposing us towards the secondary symptoms. For recovery to take place we need to work on both fronts. Fortunately this day and age there are more resources than before to seek support for addiction and mental health issues, but the recovery from our history, and the immaturity it leaves us to live in gets largely overlooked. Leaving clients in states of Negative Control issues, Resentment and Rage issues, Spirituality issues, Enmeshment and Avoidance issues, deep problems with dishonesty, for example not being able to truly share their reality with others with out feeling any Toxic Shame. All this protected by defense mechanisms that initially saved us at the time of the trauma, but leaving us in our adult life disconnected from our viscera, in a way inhibits any connection with self and others. Also leaving us with regulation issues that promote the trigger a pathological relationship with mood altering substances or behaviors.
Fortunately treatment for both is available at a level that we now have evidence leads to change in the brain in regards to neuroplasticity and the malleability of the existing structure. Extraordinary.

It does not mean that it is easy. As a survivor myself I was encouraged reading Pete Walkers book "Complex PTSD, from Surviving to Thriving". I resonated with his shared experience. For many years I have used walking and stretching to get me in touch with the Body that I disconnected from in childhood due to the Toxic Shame and visceral discomfort I felt being connected to the stress when I felt triggered. It has always felt better when I was finished, but the act of doing  it always took commitment. I use to think it was case I was unmotivated or lazy.
 It was pointed out to me by a mentor that I was the most unlaziest person they had ever met, and they suggested it was fear and shame as I was connected to myself. They were right.

These days when I am travelling well, I do it, feel better after it and see it and mindfulness as essentials to my well being and CPTSD recovery, and part of my 11th Step practice that is my insurance policy against relapsing. Pia Mellody quoted the phrase that in recovery we are " Trudging the road to our happy destiny". That is an apt saying, however words will never encapsulate the reality of the complex difficultly of trauma recovery. "John Bradshaw stated that when we experienced the Toxic Shame core firing in an attack , that it was the "Intolerable experience of being". If you let that statement wash through you, examine it at depth, that comes closer. 

In we attempt the two recoveries, it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better, in most cases better than you could ever know. 

Spiritual Journey

Here is a song I wrote many years ago, it's a spiritual song, it was for a record of spiritual numbers that celebrated the spiritual awakening that can happen when you work your program. I have been Baptized in recovery by the honorable Greg Hirst, I have studied the Great Spirit and carry pipe under the teaching of Annie Whitefeather, I have sat in Darshan in Puttatparthi India with Sathya Sai Baba. All of these experiences are part of who I am. I do believe though its the 29 years of sitting in 12 step meetings, hearing the hearts of others, and sharing mine that has shown me the face of the creator. All the rest saved my soul, the rooms though saved my life. I am grateful to be on the road of recovery, with a spiritual awakening guiding the way. Thank you to all my teachers, sponsors, sponsee's, colleagues , peers, clients, and friends I haven't met yet. My wifes daily devotion to our children, and the beautiful spontaneous nature of my beautiful boys Marshal and Maverick and opened a deep love in me I never thought I could even feel.What a blessing this all is. Be gentle with your hearts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViqHj7Icbcohttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViqHj7Icbco

Mentors are for life

Today I wanted to be in Dallas Texas starting the CSAT training with Patrick Carnes, but instead the Universe has me here, at the picturesque South Curl Curl surf club teaching Module One Training on behalf of South Pacific Private, based on Pia Mellodys Post Induction Therapy Model. Today I honour Joanna Mills, Wes Taylor and Earl Cass. Three Americans that taught this to me from the heart, and it changed my heart forever. Life is what happens when your busy making other plans"