30 years in Recovery-Written 14th April 2016

Well today is my 30^th Birthday in Narcotics Anonymous. I could tell over this week as the morning air got cold. It reminds my body it’s time. It seems like a dream now that 30 years ago on this morning I told my mother I was using again and couldn’t stop. She went to book me into the family doctor and I went to get on one last time, but could get anything, and I was defeated and just went home. The doctor sent me straight to a detox. McKinnon unit. I have been to Psychiatrist/Doctors/Social workers, but never detox. Getting clean in addiction was always just stopping drugs and keeping drinking, or stopping drinking and keeping drugs, but never abstinence! It was a Monday night and that evening they sent us to the McKinnon Monday Night NA meeting. I was terrified, but I was alive and feeling. What I saw and heard there that night gave me hope, when I had been feeling hopeless for so long. Hearing people sharing honestly, appearing really happy, was something that moved me. No one was honest in my family especially about how they felt. Mother was mentally ill, and father was absent and had one motto, don’t upset your mother. As a first child I was enmeshed with her madness and it has been a legacy I have had to work hard on all my life. Being enmeshed with madness gave me know regulation tools, so living inside my own skin was torture. Till I found alcohol, drugs, Rock and Roll and sex. The rest failed into insignificance. I loved the new world I had found, was obsessed with it, and it doesn’t take long when you’re a glutton for drugs and alcohol to be insane yourself. I tried to cut done and control use, but always failed miserably! Do throwing in the towel and winning made sense.

I was only in the detox 51/2 days, the rest I did in the meetings, working the steps, with a sponsor, and forming great peers (go the Cabramatta Grunters!)

They told me in detox to do 90 meetings in 90 days, and I had no idea how you fit that in, until I got home and realised I was a full time drug addict before detox, and all I had was time. I did two meeting a day and three on Sundays. It was very lonely leaving all your playmates and playgrounds and playthings behind, but I knew I had to do it. I hung on to a crazy Lithuanian Crass Punk vegetarian animal Liberationist girlfriend till 28 days, and the madness that was creating allowed me to finally let go of that to. For four and half months I did meetings. Got my first sponsor and started to get numbers and ring them. I stayed for the second half on meetings, which was excruciating in the beginning, like asking someone out on a date. I bought the NA Basic Text and read the first three steps every day. That book I carried everywhere. I was amazed how you could live on sickness benefits money. I would make a sandwich, and carry the Basic Text in a little bag, and ride my skateboard to meetings. (First recovery name was Skateboard Steve!) I would go bowling on Friday

nights after the meetings, joined an NA indoor cricket team, The Shot Ducks! It was crazy fun. I rode a moot bike after I got my first job, and back riding again is brining all sorts of memories back. I joined groups and some of those friendships from that first year have all turned 30 this year to. We have grown older and wiser together. I could never have imagined where I would be in 30 years when I started out. If you told me I was going to be a country singer, work as a therapist and wear a suit to my day job and like it, I might not have even stayed. But I have matured. My Family is my focus now.

I have quit my Directors job to make my Family and being a Husband and Father the priority, not my work. That’s been a huge decision for a first child Hero that’s supposed to be there for everyone else so I am ok. That first year taught me recovery was about relationships and connection. I know now that is the new buzz word for addiction treatment, but all those years ago, we found that in the deep loving that comes from holding hands and sticking together to save your own life. The Spiritual awakening that has come as a result of these steps is to big a story to convey for here right now. I will one day write that book. I will say though that I am eternally grateful for the Members that came before me, that created the space, maintained their recovery and opened their arms and hearts to newcomers like me. It taught me to do the same. The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. Thank God

This week I am sharing at the Glebe Friday night meeting. It was the last meeting I got taken to before I left treatment. Carol H picked me up and took me. Thank you Carol. Wayne Hennessy looked after me there, gave me his number, and then I called it the next Day-It saved me. Saturday night I will share at the Saturday Liverpool Meeting. The first meeting I went to straight out of detox. Still going strong, and many folks from my generation of clean time still going strong. It was give what I have away with gratitude and ease, because it was so freely given to me. Thank you God

Certified Sex Addiction Training coming Downunder!

Below is information from the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals training schedule for Certified Sex Addiction Therapy Training. Look at August.. Thats right, it is happening here for the first time! this is amazing . Dr. Stefanie Carnes and Kenneth Adams will be facilitating the training, who are two of the worlds authorities on sex addiction.
There will be three modules taught over 18 mths and we are in for a real treat. This addiction is devastating. Treating it takes real skill and training.Dr. Patrick Carnes has through his Out of the Shadows book and the work book Facing the Shadow provided two tools I have been using in the Men's Relapse Prevention Program at South Pacific Private and the group is deep, rich, challenging but providing such a safe haven for growth and recovery. A Women's group has just started as well so please, if this is an issue for you, come and see us at SPP, or contact me privately. If you are suffering the Trauma as a partner of a sex addict please contact me, SPP or Sharlyn Drayton at Arise Counselling. She runs Women's groups for partners

This addiction effects men and women equally. Gay ,Lesbian, Transgender and Hetrosexual. It cannot be treated as a sex therapy issue. The neurobiology of this process addiction needs to be addressed, and a clear pathway of recovery established for any real success to take place. Like all addictions, it is cunning baffling and powerful, and it's three destinations are Jails institutions and death. This addiction and Love and Avoidance addiction are driven from the original attachment woundings and therefore crushingly difficult to break free from, but with a comprehensive lifestyle change starting with the breaking of Self Delusion, and a spirit filled conversion, then recovery is possible.

You do not have to suffer alone again.

For Professionals that want to up their skills, then this course is the essential.I will write more soon, but this was to raise the awareness and save the date. IITAP and CSAT credentials put will give you access to so much therapeutic support and data and research, that will be invaluable as you treat your clients. There is a pandemic of porn, sexual dysfunction, inability for presence and resilience in relationships. The impact zone is widening to where the average age that children begin to be introduced to Pornography is 10. We are as a race being desensitized regarding what is real sex driven by intimacy by the propaganda that is portrayed in the cybersex world. Its something we need to stand up for, and as professionals here is an opportunity to be better a supporting the clients as they start making their way into your company.

Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Training
Module 1 of 4
"Facing The Shadows - An Introduction to Treating Sex Addiction"

February 3rd - 7th, 2016
Bellevue, Washington

or

March 16th-20th, 2016
Ocklawaha, Florida

or

August 24th - 28th, 2016
Sydney, Australia

Certified Sex Addiction Therapist receive the knowledge, tools, and 24/7 community support that will help you with your most challenging clients.

Don't miss this opportunity to take the first step toward joining the ranks of distinguished Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) professionals and being recognized as an expert in the field of sex addiction treatment.

Christmas in Recovery

This time of year can be tough for folks in early recovery from either addictions or mental health issues. Folks with developmental trauma

Can have difficulty with family of origin issues. 

Why stay committed to you recovery program? the 12 Promises give up the hope that it is worthwhile sticking strong at times of stress and pain. They remind us if we Let it Pass and Hand it over, work the steps

And stay on the spiritual path that we can come

Out the other side spiritual beings having a human experience.

Love and light in these Holidays my friends on the spiritual highway!

http://youtu.be/jKc5XE7axM8

Strong Women

Today ,MOvember Day 6. I watched two strong women, survivors of war, of life, of raising children to adults Parents to grandparents to great grandparents . One was my mother 85 the other my Aunty , 95. Aunty May  in Hospital, life on the farm is taking its toll, she has farmed her whole life, the last 20 years solo. Aunty May said she wants to come up for Christmas, I reckon she will be there. I then went walking as part of my MOVEmber campaign. Twilight, through the streets of Albury, rang my wife, 35, another strong and courageous woman. She is having a baby, not we , she. We are not pregnant , she is. Don't get me wrong . I am stoked to be a dad again, I can't wait . My children have been the greatest source of joy in my life. I know it's not politically correct , but my wife's up against major challenges right now. I will do everything I can and everything it takes but I am in a supporting role. It's a battle. She is strong, her mother is strong. I am blessed to be surrounded by the depth of strong women. What a mighty force. I learnt from my father that you take care of family. So tonight, I am on the road, not playing in the band, but supporting my Mother , supporting my Aunty, and I reckon we will all make Christmas and by Easter there will be a baby and and my Queen scout will doing it all again with baby number three. The family legacy is changing , and changing for the good .

Love- The only Mental Health

Working from home. Movemeber is fully underway, I am passionate today, about healing, about Spirit, mostly about LOVE. The best thing about recovery, is LOVE, deep loving, feeling it, living it, living in it. God I am grateful for the grace that saved a wreck like me, giving me back my connection to my heart. Its a painful road to make your way back home, and the anxiety at times literally is breathe taking, but I cannot stop trying to live in the essence of life itself, I will not run from it anymore Springsteen inspiring me today. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOPDhoZH91g

Mothers

Well tonight, Movember Day One, just finished a Country wide Skype mens meeting. The house is quiet here, I'm exhausted after staying up for the Wallabies. However, the value of deep sharing from grown man to grown man, from the heart, is a currency of Kings! My mental Health and well being has been stabilized and foundationalized by fostering relationships with men, in a way that my fathers generation was not able to . Viva the Evolution!

Tonight's topic Mothers, I shared about my alcoholic birth Mother , my adopted mother and her challenges of dealing with mental illness, and my wife, who has health challenges now, but is one of the most deeply loving spirit-filled beings I have ever met. Our two beautiful boys have an anchor in them created by her commitment, every minute of everyday to this family.

She is my Queen Scout.

I am grateful to have met with and stayed in contact with my birth mother. I am grateful to recovery that I stayed through the grief process of growing up with my adopted mother and the impact of the trauma of mental illness, to now have healed from both our pasts and I have a loving relationship with my mum. She did the best with what she had, and he was given a rough start to. We have that in common, but we have both changed the family legacy.

I have a poem I will sign off on tonight , I wrote about being the surrogate spouse as the eldest to my mother, here it is. I was written years ago, but it is still important, that work and the wound.

A Gift from the Cook.

How long has my worth been determined by others?

My need to be needed,

Reflects my self perception.

It seems to be the only substance to fill this hole.

To make me complete.

Yet I have always been empty.

The approval have always been an illusionary filler,

For I remain always trying to fill the same hole.

Showing people I was worthy of their need.

And keeping them needy.

For if they grew beyond that place,

What would become of me?

To my mother I was a possession.

She needed me to need her,

So she could feel special,

Whole and complete.

And I grew to need her love, approval and protection.

Yet, there was something wrong.

An anger or resentment,

At my acquired need.

Like it sucked at some life blood that did not exist.

A hunger that was induced,

But no food could be supplied.

And as the years have past,

I have lived with this constant hunger.

To be needed or not feel complete.

And for the women of my life,

They served the same meal,

And for a while I enjoyed.

But somewhere the food soured,

And the hole inside grew to the size of a cavern.

My wife found she needed herself more and left.

My mother just grew tired,

And occasionally just turned off the stove.

And now I am alone,

Me and my need to be needed.

And for my father,

Who sat for my entire life

A spectator to this feast,

Resented me.

For I ate his food, from his wife,

And many times he went hungry.

And now we live many universes apart,

And speak very different tongues,

Both with a hole,

A gift from the cook.

S.J.S

MOvember and MOVEmber-Time for a chnage

Tomorrow I start my MOvember Campaign( Growing a MO to raise awareness for Men's Health) and MOVEmber ( Moving everyday to raise awareness of the importance of Physical fitness and a healthy Body and Mind!)

The first one is my vocation and passion, I have been working in the Mental Health ,Addictions and Men's Work field for nearly 30 years.

The second one, well, that's been a life's journey of ups and downs. At 52 I am someone who needs to confront my own issues regarding , health and middle age and work/ life / family/ passion balance and the resulting stress and relying on caffeine and sugar to cope and for energy to keep going when my own boundaries go awry. 

Being in Recovery has given me some quality problems. Problems that have been the gifts I would have only received being on the recovery road. Bustling loving family, exciting challenging heartfelt work, opportunity and creativity of being a poet, musician and playing music in a band, making records and touring. Also my own personal Therapy, spirituality and recovery program, to maintain and grow all takes time and effort.

When my father got ill and deteriorated over a year, and little Maverick was born, and I moved more into my vocational work and put the band off the road, the year seemed to trigger an anxiety I had not felt for along time. Now that it is nearly two years since dad has died, I have struggled to overcome that feeling, and food and caffeine gives me that false energy, but now it's costing me so much more than it's giving. I am an older father, and I want to be around for along time, fully fit and active for my boys. This means there needs to be change.

I became aware that it was becoming the patriarch in my Family. My work ,my role as a father and provider and my music had created a response in me I didn't expect. Archetypaly I understood it as a move from the Warrior energy into the King energy. It was literally taking my breathe away. Now it's time to face it and embrace it. MOVEmber is an opportunity to embrace a healthier life balance.

Please follow along my journey, donate please to a good cause, men's health. My MOvember campaign is outlined below.

Movember Campaign

Steve Stokes

http://mobro.co/stevestokesspp

I am excited to not only be MOvembering, I am also MOVEmbering!!!

The

first is to be growing and sporting a MO

to raise awareness of Men’s Mental Health issues , and my participation in MOVEember is to everyday day though increasing physical activity and improving my nutrition and lifestyle to raise awareness that the Mental Health issues or men can result in broader health issues , suicide and pre-mature death.

Check out the above page for daily blogs, pic’s and videos of my journey,  event details that I will be hosting and interviews with other men on the recovery road, sharing their insights and Tools

of the Recovery Trade

Events:

1.       Webinar: Title: Men , Mental Health Awareness and  Tools of the Recovery Trade!:  

When:  Wednesday 11^th Nov  : Time: 7.45 pm Who: All Welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man dies from Suicide every minute on this planet,  1 in 8 Aussie men will experience depression and 1 in 5 will experience Anxiety. Drug and Alcohol use, Pornography, Gambling , Nicotine, are all Mental Health issues in the form of Addictions and are on the increase. Childhood Trauma and its Post Traumatic Symptoms can cause a great deal of men to be unwell personally, and all of the above effects our ability to be Fathers, Sons and Husbands. In this webinar we will look at Tools for the Recovery Trade. How to identify, treat and heal from Mental Health Issues, and get our life back.

1. Inpatient Men’s Group South Pacific Private: Title: Facing the Fire: Men and  Anger.

Time: 2.30PM  4PM. Who: Inpatients Only

This group will look back at the resource Facing the Fire by USA John Lee and will present techniques to identify stress and feelings when they are building, and learn feel  to express our anger in healthy and safe way.

3.   2. Daily Blogs for MOvember campaign and daily Video blogs for MOVEmber. Check out my Movember page daily to donate, request information and content on Men’s Mental Health and have  be informed about all the antics my MO and MOVE is getting up to. I will be linking resources for mental health, books, webinars, YouTube lectures, covering diverse mental health subjects.