Well, by now most have heard
already but I will make it official. I am leaving South Pacific Private , and
heading off into the wild blue yonder of life and recovery. I have enjoyed my
time immensely, but the demanding tasks and time being the Program Director of
Australia’s leading treatment centre were in conflict with being a father of
now three beautiful boys, and I have decided to make my family the central
focus of my life. You cannot teach Pia Mellody’s wonderful model and then not
be there for your own children. So the decisions made, I imagine I will always
be around in some way, just not as Program Director
.
I can't remember when I
really started working about SPP, but it sure has been a ride! Here are my
ruminations on the journey.
It all started when I joined the 12 step
fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous in 1986, after being lost in drug addiction, and
even though I was clean, and doing all the suggested things I was not happy. It
was a relationship issue that led me to the co-dependent model of Pia Mellody
through a counsellor I sought to help me. This counsellor as well as doing
Family of Origin work with me, sent me to Codependants Anonymous. NA was where
I got my life back. CoDA was where I found my Soul. Both gave me a Spiritual
Awakening as a result of working the steps.
It was at CoDA that I first met Bill and
Lorraine Wood. We were from the different side of the tracks. They the silver
tails from the north Shore, and me the rough diamond from the western Suburbs.
But we had a common language, the language of Recovery. I loved the 12 step
fellowships. Right from my first NA meeting, I heard people telling the truth.
It was so heart-warming. Words can never convey when what it’s like when you
first start hearing he truth after so long a time experiencing the old family
rules of Don’t Trust, Don’t Talk and Don’t Feel. It was in CoDA that I started
to hear people talk honestly about the abuse and trauma of growing up in less
than nurturing and abusive homes. Also around this time started to read and
listen to Pia Mellody, John Bradshaw, Bob Earl, Terry Gorski, Claudia Black and
my mind was blown. Healing the Shame that Binds you, book and especially the audio
version, was killer. John Bradshaw’s the Family series was an epiphany! Around
this time Bill and Lorraine let go of the Chairperson role of Coda nationally
to start SPP, and I took it over. I loved to give back to the fellowship that
gave so much to me. I attended the International service conference in Arizona.
Memories I cherish.
When South Pacific Private
Hospital opened, a friend of mine started work there, and I visited, and I was
very jealous! I knew it was a good place and I loved the model. I had been
working as a drug and alcohol counsellor after graduating University in early
recovery, and started to put together my story in workshops titled Window to a Journey, which was Music, Poetry
and Storytelling about my recovery journey. It was inspired by the men’s workers
Robert Bly, John Lee, Sam Keen James Hill with Michael Meade. Robert Bly’s Iron
John was majestic, and opened a doorway in me creatively as a man that has not closed.
John Lee’s Flying Boy, At My Fathers Wedding and Facing the Fire healed my
heart as a wounded man and helped me deal with my rage, to know him and call
him friend now is an Honour.
Window to the Journey workshops were the first thing
I started to run at SPP. On a Saturday I would roll in, Guitar, Poetry book and
my story. For a few hours I would pour my heart out. I recorded three albums
over 5 years, and when I listen back to these I am amazed at how open my heart
was. I shared everything!
It was opening an event that SPP hosted for
John Lee, a Texan in recovery and bestselling author for recovery literature. I
introduced John, with drumming and a prayer and that bought me to the attention
of Bill Woods. He invited me to attend a Mens Group at SPP with him and a handful
on men, some Americans they had bought over to teach the Pia Mellody model to
us Aussies. At the end of that meeting in the foyer of the Hospital, he shook
my hand and offered me a job. I was excited and scared, I always wanted to work
there, but I knew It was a tough job. I rang my mentor, John Falcon and asked
him what to do. He said treat it as three months training, and the rest will be
cream. Well all I can say as I look back now I received a hell of a lot of
cream!
I was excited to accept the position
as Primary Therapist, and that was the beginning of what's been along an
amazing journey.
My first day on the job started in true SPP
fashion. I was sitting waiting in the then small staff room, for the therapist
who I was to sit with for the week. I was starting in Changes, then called
Survivors. I was sitting there waiting in the first day for my orientation
begin when your Joanne Hanson, one of the Wood’s daughters came in and asked
me” do you know anything about co-dependency?” I said “yes I do”. She said “could you do a lecture on it right
now?” I said “I could but it might not be the lecture you would usually do.”
Joanne stated it did not matter, the therapist is running late, and the group
needs to start. So I lectured for the first time on co-dependency as a
therapist at SPP. Over the years I have certainly
learnt that you need to be ready and willing and able to do any job and anytime,
anywhere and I must say that suited my nature. Not only have I jumped in to run
Family or Changes at a moments notice , I have chased clients down the street,
done therapy in the gutter, been called out to local pubs and clubs looking for
clients that have been booked in, but just couldn’t make it past that last pub!
Once in the mountains a
young man that I knew was struggling with depression as well as addiction,
wasn’t turning up to group. One day I went around to his unit before group. Rang
the buzzer at the front door, but he didn’t answer. He lived on the first floor,
and I could see I could climb up to his lounge room window, so I did. I knocked
on the window, he eventually came to see who it was, and as he opened it, I
jumped through, said good morning, groups about to start, and before he knew it
he was sitting in my car heading back to the rehab! It’s not a magical power. It’s
just as Narcotics Anonymous states, “The therapeutic value of one addict
helping another is without Parallel!
As my understanding of the Model grew, I was
able to share more and more. With the incredible burst of knowledge from the
new ability to track the effects of attachment trauma and just how the brain has
been damaged as described in the Polyvagal Theory of Dr Stephen Porges, and the
work of Dr Allan Schore giving us clarity of the early damage to the brain, has
changed the way we treat the trauma work, but this early work of Pia’s paved
the way. Her concept of the wounded child reflects Schore’s work directly, and
the Adult Adapted Child is well described at the extreme with the Polyvagal
Theory. I had the pleasure to finally meet and talk with Pia last year. It was
a dream come true and she was everything that I had hoped a hero would be. I
have listened to her tapes over and over for 25 years. I was inspired by her
sharp mind, and she shared with me about her new book, and its focus being on
the disconnection from your soul that happens form the spiritual nature of developmental
abuse. I can’t wait to read it.
The therapist that was
running late that first day was American Wes Taylor. He had worked at the
Meadows with Pia Mellody. I have since had the pleasure of facilitating Survivors/Changes
, and training quite a few therapists myself over the years to run it. What Wes
showed me that very first time though, I had never seen anything like it. It was
back when trauma work involved Cathartic emotional release and shame reduction.
Batarka work, and it would get loud and physical. Over the years that I have worked
with the trauma, that first experience will still remain with me. I can see it
now for the archaic old-fashioned way that was, but at the time it was cutting
edge. The deep way people processed toxic fear and shame and pain, dealing with
the carried feelings and share their stories that they had kept secret for a
lifetime.
People thought it was a
magic then, but they came to know and I came to teach others that this is just
what happens when you unlocked all that pain within the body, trapped inside.
All the talk therapy we know now cannot come close to the healing that happens
when the body gets involved in this way. Changing the narrative and the
paradigm. Giving back shame not only released trauma from the body and feeling
states, but it opened the door for clients to be accountable for their own
recovery. Healing was their responsibility, the abuse was not!
To me and the others
experiencing it, it was a revelation.
Earl Cass, another American
and a Primary therapist, who was to become a Clinical Director was to
orientate me in my Primary Therapist role. I was in awe as I watched him run
group. He had also come over form the Meadows. Watching him keep all those
plates spinning, keeping the clients busy, working on their two recoveries at
the same time. Recovery from their history, and recovery from the addictions
and mental health issues that bought them to SPP. As they say an addict alone is
in bad company and I believe that's true for the co-dependent because co-dependency
is a core result of all the complex trauma. The inability to regulate, and the
need to rely on survival skills which Pia had identified as Primary Symptoms in
her Model. There is a call of these days to build practice that is developmentally
trauma focused when working with individuals or in group, and not just address
their health issues and addiction issues but to look underneath and to invite
people in that relationship themselves.
The Meadows driven by Pia were leading the
field in this approach and after Bill went there in recovery to address his
history, and Lorraine went and experienced Family Program, and then the full
program, they wanted Australians to have access to this way of recovery. It was
not popular in the beginning and they worked very hard to make SPP as reputable
as it is today. It was that kooky little rehab on the beaches that use to be
criticized for when you walked in with one addiction, you walked out with
three! And we always talked about your childhood! Addiction and Trauma
Specialist Dr Patrick Carnes has the conclusive research now that states due to
addiction being a brain reward system disorder, that if have one addiction you
have an 86% chance of having 2 or more. Also the research of Centre for Healthy
Sex in Los Angeles Alex Katehakis states that 100 percent of sexaddicts have developmental
trauma. This information just proved what we already knew, the program of Pia Mellody’s,
that Bill and Lorraine bought downunder was ahead of its time and our practices
are seen as best practice now.
Joanna Mills was the Program Director at the
time of my orientation, and partner of Wes Taylor. She had also worked closely
with Pia Mellody. Joanna led with compassion and generosity. It is something
that I'll always remember. I think I tried to carry a piece of her into my
leadership roles in the hospital. I'm not the sort of person that has the
ability to strategize away from a person, then devise some scheme that will
motivate them, carrot and stick style. In sport I played soccer, and was the
goalkeeper. You stand at the back and you have a perspective that others don't
have. From here you see the big picture and give the team encouragement and
advice along the way. I always felt more comfortable leading it this way. Also,
to be able to do anything that you were asking others to do. I have loved being
taught to do every clinical role at SPP. To be able to facilitate, every group,
present every lecture, give any presentation to professionals. This has been
invaluable to me as a clinician. Same with staff supervision and Module
training. What an opportunity to grow and learn.
With Joanna Mills you could
just go in her office and tell her anything and I did! (sometimes directly out
of my group room in the office and put myself down and tell her exactly how I
was struggling with the group, and seek her advice, returning to group and put
it into practice, only to then return and debrief it all.) I was grateful for
her ruthless support. I felt so given to by that style. To be able to be so
honest and feel safe at work, knowing you had her trust to go and put it into
practice. What a gift.
With Wes Taylor, and John
Falcon, who was to become my next Clinical Director and mentor, the other side
project that came as a result of knowing and working with these men, was that
we started to practice indigenous spiritual practices. John Falcon, who is Hopi
Indian had taught us the pipe ceremony and we were also sweat lodging regularly.
Wes joined us on these practices. He played an American Indian flute. When he
returned to the USA, he gave me his flute as a gift, I still have it. Exploring
this world took me to Arizona and under the instruction of Annie Whitefeather,
and it was a wonderful time.
Also over the years I had
continued to facilitated weekend retreats. I had initially started these with
Merrick Baily, whose daughter Christina Towler (Bailey) was one of the first
Primary Therapists at SPP. Her husband, Robert was the first handymen that
worked there. SPP has had some wonderful men look after the place. Robert
certainly started that tradition. He was also a pipe carrier and sweated at the
lodges regularly. Long term recovering addict now, and still surfing! I then
had the pleasure to run retreats with Earl Cass and John Falcon and then for
many years solo. Mens retreats, spirituality retreats, sweat lodges, Co-dependency
retreats. I have incredibly fond memories of this time and still carry the
talking stick staff form the Men's retreats. I am committed to carry it for my lifetime.
My second major tour of duty
at SPP came when I came across John Falcon walking down the King street in
Newtown, he asked me what am I doing. I had been back in Sydney after working
in a treatment centre in the Blue Mountains. I had job at another treatment centre for
adolescents, in Sydney, but I did really fit their philosophy. He said “I need
you at SPP” and before I knew I was back there running group and then was
promoted to Clinical Coordinator. I enjoyed supporting the staff as I had been
supported. Also, it was the beginning of the newest science coming through in
regards to the effects on the brain and the limbic system from Developmental
trauma and it changed everything. Also as part of this tour I started to
present on Television and radio and write articles for the press, and I enjoyed
this addition to the role. It seemed that wherever I could spread the message
of recovery, I was there.
John showed me a resource by Thomas Hedland on Healthy
versus non Healthy Communication. I remember watching it and thinking, my God ,
I need to learn this for me first before I can take it and teach it to the
clients! This happens a lot with therapists and Nurses at SPP. You cannot teach
our Model and have ghosts of trauma, addictions and mental issues in your
closet brought to life. They will get triggered and start haunting you. It was
going deeper in my own recovery, as this new information that has grown into
the Interpersonal Neurobiologist school of thinking. Shifting the focus from
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to Body Focused Therapy for Complex PTSD. We are
not there yet, as was shown when Bessel Van Der Kolk led the proposal to the
DSM 5 committee for Developmental Trauma Disorder to be added to the tool. But
the DSM is a slow mover, (They only just added Gambling as a disorder!) Fortunate
while they argue it out, clinicians have an enormous amount of options at our
disposal now to work with the symptoms of trauma.
I did get humbled though. I
thought I was invincible, I was young had energy, and little did I know it then
but my first child hero, worked himself to burnout after John Falcon left. I
couldn’t see it then but I was in my co-dependency, and it made me sick. I
ended up going part time, then had to step out and have a break.
I was sad to see the passing of John Bradshaw.
He was such a powerful force in recovery. John Bradshaw said he stood on the
shoulders of Giants. He truly was to become a Giant in his own right.
Recently I was I was talking
to a colleague and she said it's a shame a lot of the recovery heroes are
getting old and there is no one coming through to replace. I said, no, that’s
not the case. There are many that are coming through, all working with Trauma
in a magnificently efficient way. Thank God though for the pioneers. They had the
courage to save themselves and then make a map for the rest of us to follow. Dr
Patrick Carnes and all his work in the sex addiction field is Nobel prize
winning worthy in its outcomes. I cannot wait till the Certified Sex Addiction
Training coming up in August at SPP.
The new school of thought
which has been called the Interpersonal Neurobiology, has some amazing people
attached to it. Dan Siegel, Allan Schore, Bessel Van der Kolk, Ed Tronick, Peter Levine, Pat Ogden, Stephen
Porges are giving us evidence based research that has been a major game changer.
I have been overwhelmed myself with the quality if information that is at our
finger tips.
I feel as though my work is
just beginning as I bid SPP goodbye. My passion to work with Trauma and
Addiction is at an all-time high. I am excited to be working with
Brainspotting, and Radical Exposure Therapy. Two techniques that got directly
to the mid-brain, and create relief for Complex Trauma sufferers.
I have been
divinely inspired by so many and my recovery is strong and I am as passionate
about Narcotics Anonymous as I have ever been.
I would like to thank the
board and Lorraine Wood for the faith they showed in me to lead the Clinical
Therapy Team Also getting the opportunity to train every staff member at SPP,
what a privilege. Before I got into recovery and started in this field I use to
be a boilermaker. I did not love that that job, I got it because I got kicked
out of school for a prank I pulled to get a carton of beer. Alcoholics do this
sort of thing. As a boiler maker I would be welding, which is done in isolation
and I would fantasise I was packing groceries so I could have a conversation with
anyone. Little did I know that I would have the privilege for many years to the
lecture and train, clients and staff. Most people these days know I just can’t
shut up about recovery, especially Pia’s model.
In my role this time around I have loved
developing Webinars and presenting them, as well as presenting at for
conferences about the good works that were going at SPP. Most of all though it
was walking and talking with my colleagues as we grew together. There will
always be therapists and nurses lining up to work at SPP. I am grateful for the friendships I have found
there that have inspired not just my work, but my life. South
Pacific, God bless you and the statement expect a miracle, well I certainly got
one and more.
See you all on the Recovery
Road.
Regards,
Steve Stokes
